Good Night Appetite!

Well, here I am. Just got home from work and I am on the rampage to find something yummy to satisfy my cravings. Tonight is going to be different I tell myself. I am going to try to resist! Yes! Resist temptation in a perfect binge situation...
nighttime, refrig full of left overs, left over cake from my birthday, everyone asleep, house is quiet, my daytime soap opera comes on in 15 minutes (the perfect time for me to fix a snack or two), and just I worked a 12-hour shift. I have plenty of reasons to award myself for my do-goods of the day. BUT NO!!! I WILL resist! I am going to bed! I need sleep and I am putting my appetite to rest for the night. My dear friends tell me that I don't get enought sleep. I like to think that I don't need sleep because to me it is a waste of time. There are so many things you could be doing besides sleeping. There have been studies done on weight loss and sleep and there have been big correlations made to getting enought sleep and being a healthy weight. This may be a a factor for me, but more than sleep I think one of the reasons why I don't loose weight is because of my night time/evening eating, especially after work. So, here goes. My first attempt to fight against my hunger. Damn it! This is painful! Good Night! :)

I'll start Monday....

"I'll start Monday"...ahhh, the famous words of any dieter around the world, or maybe any procrastinator around the world. And much to my dismay, I am both. If I had a pound (even a 1/4 of a pound) for every Monday that I was going to start a new diet, eat healthy, get to the gym on a regular basis, avoid carbs, quit drinking soda, do something meaningful for myself once a week, avoid fast food, or any other resolution or promise I have made to myself while laying in bed on a Sunday night, knowing deep down inside the alarm that I set 2 hours early so I can "hit the gym before work" will soon be broken down into 12 slams of the snooze button until I really HAVE to get up for work, I would clearly be swimsuit model size.

Why is it Monday? The start of the work week? The calendar week really starts on Sunday. Shouldn't we all start our "new diets" on Sunday then? My husband once told me that he heard on the radio one morning on his way to work that a study was done and it concluded that the best day to start a successful diet is on a Tuesday. Best breaking news I ever heard. This is the perfect excuse. Now, every time I blow my Monday diet (usually by about 11:30am) I think that's ok, "every successful diet is started on a Tuesday"...i'm gonna eat whatever the hell i want today and START TOMORROW!!!

I am the queen of procrastination. Maybe I procrastinate in this dieting department because I always fail at weight loss and I don't take failure very well. I have been fairly successful in my life as a 30-something. Decent job, decent house, decent car, decent husband, amazing kid, decent vacations every couple years or so, decent health (besides being obese...morbidy according to the experts), decent hair. So, I don't do the failure thing very well. I am far from perfect, don't get me wrong! (Would I be blogging from the depths of the rolls of my abdomen if i were perfect?) But what i am saying is, if I don't try, then I don't fail. If I don't start, then I never have to worry about not finishing. Do you already see the pattern in my blog? Entries are getting farther apart...excuses, excuses. I don't have time to write, can't think of anything to write, not going to make my goal this month and it's only the first damn month! blah, blah, blah. I invited a good friend of mine to follow my blog and she never really said anything about it. So i asked her the other day if she actually read it and her reply was "Yes, but now I am looking for some results!" WHAT??? WHAT??? Oh yeah, that's right, i did have a purpse besides venting my overweight emotions for anyone to read. She reminded my that I did set out with a goal. And this month is coming to an end and i have little to show for it, or maybe I should say I still have a lot to show for it. SHOOT!!! Where does the time go?? And did I mention it is my birthday week? Yes, that's what I said, my birthday week. Cuz these days it is no longer a birthday, it's a week long celebration where you don't have to count calories, make good choices, or step on a scale. You know how it goes...lunch with the girls for your birthday, dinner with the husband for your birthday, dinner at your parents for your birthday, your favorite cake for your birthday, treats to work for your birthday, and extra drink or two for your birthday, free dessert at the restaurant for your birthday....it's a week long celebration clearly--even this fat girl couldn't get all that done in one night!! So, since my birthday week is nearing the end, I have to get down to business. March is ending and I think I lost nearly 4 pounds. So, that's 6 pounds in about one week left to go.

I'm not even sure how I am going to achieve this goal, I have tried every diet ever known to man-kind or found on a late night infommercial. So, I guess I am going to start praying and drinking a lot of water!! Wish me luck!! More soon!

Definition: shelf

Shelf - a horizonal board, stone slab, etc. mounted against a perpendicular surface, to put things on or display items. My shelf - a horizontal mass of tissue used to collect a morsel or two of everything I have eaten at a given meal.

Cash your chips in...

Why would you want to cash your chips in, when you can eat them?? "They" say (I will tell you later in another post who "they" is. And there have been many "theys" in my dieting life!) when you start a diet you need to clean out your cupboards. You know, get rid of all your high fat, high salt, high calorie, high cholesterol(translation high tasting, highly comforting, highly pleasant, and highly satisfying) containing foods, snacks, and condiments that you have in your frig, house/kitchen or possibly car, bedroom, or desk drawer at your house or the office. This is the start to getting on the right track or should I say starting my new lifestyle change...picture me pulling out the nearest wastebasket and vomiting in it as I say "lifestyle change", not that vulgar, four-letter word DIET!! Are you happy all you PC people? I don't care if you call it "rainbows with happy little leprechauns jumping up and down with pots of gold in their hands", it sucks!! And it's hard! And it's painful! And as much as the benefits outweigh the risks, I don't have to like any one bit of it! DIETS SUCK!!! There, I feel better!

So, today I finished the first task as I enter this new "healthy lifestyle". I cleaned out my cupboards. I have to face the fact that chips are a deadly weapon in my house. Maybe I would even go so far to consider them weapons of mass distruction! So, on Sunday I started this little clean-out project and got rid of half a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. Good start, you are thinking. Well, I finished off the other half on Monday. Yep, you guessed it! I ate them! Oh! And did I mention that I had purchased a bag of Munchos over the weekend for a girls night out snack. (I had the pleasure of joining some friends up north for a girls' night of eating, drinking, and laughing with a great group of women!) Well, of course everyone had brought yummy snacks, dips, chocolate, nuts, fruit with fattening caramel dip and cream cheese dip and then, as if we hadn't had enough, we head out for dinner that night. Needless to say, we never opened the bag of chips I had purchased. "Score!" I think to myself; now I can take them home and it is totally legit...they were purchased for the weekend, we didn't eat them, and I bought them, so I take them home. And there is very good reason as to why I have them. I am frugal. I don't believe in waste. So to stick with my core principals and values in life, I will sacrifice. I will take one for the team! That's it! I am the hero! The chips are coming home with me!!

But now I am home and there is NO WAY that I am opening these chips. I already used the excuse that I am hung over to justify to my husband (and myself) the breakfast sandwich from the gas station which is firmly planted in my chubby, sausage-like fingers as I walk into my house. Oh! And did I mention I brought home a doughnut for my son and my husband?(And, by the way, there was an extra one in my purse...Holy man! How did that get there? And those little devils at the gas station that MADE me buy that doughnut, how did they know my favorite is a regular long john with chocolate icing??) Opps, that's right, I could not resist. I bought it! Now come on people, there is nothing like heart burn all dressed up in a sweet roll to top off a Sunday morning hangover!! And if you are going to be bad, be bad with someone else! So if I bring the doughnuts home, then being bad with my family is not as bad as being naughty by yourself, right? Well, what if you eat your doughnut without them knowing you even had it? Ok, I am bad. I am a sneak. I know it, but probably never readily admitted it. It's been this way forever. Yep, since I was little and my sister loves to tell the story of when she busted my climbing up on the dinner table after supper one night and sampling a finger full of butter out of the butter dish. Yep! that's right pure, Grade A butter. I also remember back to my childhood, sneaking into the kitchen and quietly grabbing an ice cream treat out of the freezer and scurring back to my room to devour it and hide the wrapper just hoping my mom would never find out. I loved it when she kept the treats in the basement freezer cuz I wouldn't have to be so quiet...less risk of getting busted. And I always knew how many were in the box at any given moment and when it would be more obvious to someone that there were more missing than my father could possibly consume on his own....Golden Nugget Bars from the Schwans man, I can remember it like it was yesterday.... Ok...back to my chips story....As much as I wanted to open those chips the minute I got home, I know I didn't dare. So, I will be good. I will resist.

Now unpacking my vehicle like I am running a race, but the only race I am running is myself vs the highly processed cheese on my wanna be McMuffin hardening like a rock before my first bite! I drop all my crap in our entry way...duffle bag, cooler, extra pair of shoes I just had to bring, but never wore, AND my prized possession....that glistening bag of trans-fatty goodness lying so helplessly on the tile floor. Then out of nowhere comes my lanky, long-legged, big-hearted, small-brained greyhound! And in the midst of her my-mommy's-home-and-all-is-right-in-the-world excitement, she steps on the chip bag and pops it in one big "POW"!! Like an orgasm (let me tell you, food is way more exciting than sex to me...any day! And my husband will 2nd that one, i bet!), I exhale with relief!

No harm done my friends. Not a single chip crushed, but there lie an open invitation for me to consume one, two, or maybe three or four handfuls of salty, greasy, yummy, cholesterol bombs all wrapped up in a crispy, little, airy chip!! Yeeeessssss!!!! And there before me, without any fault of my own, another half of a bag of chips....gone. Hey, if you can't blame the kids for your bad eating habits, then surely blame the dog!!

My husband finished the rest of the Munchos on Monday and I completed my end of the mission by eating the last 1/4 of a bag of regular potato chips and Dean's french onion dip for breakfast on Tuesday morning! Yep! My cupboards are pretty much cleaned out now!

My excuses are getting fewer and farther between for not getting started on my goal of 10 pounds this month. I guess I won't say that I haven't started cuz you all know I have done a lot of thinking and some pretty serious writing/blogging about it. I just haven't really put the effort into eating right or exercising...wow! Do you notice a pattern?? I think I do. It's like a 100-pound pattern I think. Hey! At least, I'm consistent, right? Like every other diet, I wait until the last minute and hope that the scale cooperates on weigh-in day. Or I start out well the first two weeks and then blow my diet there after. You see, I play these games in my own head. I am working on makeing this time different. This time I'm going to try and beat myself at my own game...you'll see!
More later! :)

penny for your thoughts....

Well, if I had a penny for all my thoughts about weight loss I could afford my own personal trainer, personal chef, personal massage therapist, my own gym...where by the way, the treadmills would face the middle of the room!! Who was the sick bastard, no I know, it was some skinny bitch with a weekend certification in personal training, that decided it was a good idea to line the treadmills, step machines, and elipticals on the perimeter of the gym, facing the wall. Oh, you say, well of course they are facing that way because that is where the TV's are mounted or that is so you can see out the window while you do your workout!! BULLSHIT!! That is so the fat people don't get embarrassed when everyone is staring at their ass jiggling while they huff and puff on the treadmill!!

My continuous dialogue inside my head...will it ever go away? I am not only a thinker, but I am an over-thinker. I analyze everything. And maybe if i spend more time putting my best laid plans into action, instead of thinking about how to improve them or organize them, I wouldn't be 100 pounds overweight!!

There are few books I have finished from cover to cover in my life. Except any diet book that I have purchased. They have been read cover to cover, highlighted in, reread, and the most embarrassing, when they have Cheetos stains on the pages! Yep! The ultimate irony, munching on a high fat snack while reading a diet book...been there, done that, more than once. SICK aint it?

Needless to say, I have been thinking a lot about my blog this week too. I have mainly been trying to figure out how to post, so bare with me, as I get started!

Well, it's actually time for me to turn it, so as I hide the McDonalds bag and the empty Shamrock shake cup (Hey it's March at McDonalds, had to celebrate with a shake after work! Plus I didn't eat dinner...enter #3 Value Meal...if you know what a #3 is, you may be as sick as i am...I can tell you the whole menu numbers and sandwiches!) in the bottom of my garbage can. Yes, another one of my bad habits. And more to come...stay tuned!

Here goes....

Like heartburn after an ooey-gooey, just-doughy-enough-in-the-middle, Cinnabon cinnamon roll, it hit me!! I'm going to lose 100 pounds in 2010. And with 10 months left in the year (it will be March 1st in one hour), it is my personal goal to lose 10 pounds a month for the next 10 months equaling 100 pounds (or 10 x 10) lost in 2010!!

Ok, let's just get this out there from the get go...I'm not doing this to claim fame. I don't want to be the next "Biggest Loser" at home contestant. I am not looking for a fan base (although I clearly welcome them, including comments, critiques, and suggestions). I am not looking to get published. I just need some accountability. And even if no one, no one at all, reads this blog, I know I did it. I made the committment for 10 months to blog about my experiences, my thoughts, my feelings, my perspectives as an over-weight, over-educated, over-stressed, under-paid, under-motivated, under-appreciated, 30-something with great hair!! Yes, that's right! Great hair!! Cuz any fat girl knows, no matter how big your waist is, you can always have cute hair! Even if you fear sitting your fat ass in the stylist's chair, as you wait for that one day when her little size 7 shoe may not be able to pump your plump body up in the air to optimize her ergonomics; you still face that fear in order to maintain a trendy do.

So, this is my outlet to be accountable and to finally share my inner thoughts with the world, or maybe just with my best friend, who out of the goodness of her heart and the sisterhood of BFFs will continue to read this on a regular basis.

I invite you to share this blog with me, laugh with me, cry with me, and enjoy the ride!! :)